I’ve tried to start this post several times and I just haven’t been able to figure out the right ‘angle.’ Is it going to be about my recent break up? My health scares? My doubt in my faith? How much do I share on such a public platform, where friends, colleagues, family, and strangers can see into the deep and murky crevices of my soul, but may ultimately benefit from knowing that someone else in the world is walking through pain similar to their own?

It’s going to be a mix of all those things, but I don’t think it will turn out the way I had pictured it when I mentally started drafting it 2 months ago or even how I reimagined it as I wrapped up meal prepping 15 minutes ago.

I ran away last month. Well, the grown-up version of packing snacks and books in your backpack and running down the street only to turn around and come home an hour later because you’re tired, bored, lonely, and hungry (those snacks never lasted long enough).

My 2018 got off to a rocky start. One ER visit mid-February was followed by a break-up at the end of February, which in turn was followed by the onslaught of chronic headaches and countless trips to the doctor and ultimately another ER visit mid-March. I’ve been in pain, both physical and emotional, more days than not this year. I’ve had countless blood panels, 2 sets of x-rays, 2 EKGs, 1 head CT with contrast, 1 head CT without contrast, 1 MRI, and 2 lumbar punctures. There have been many potential diagnoses: chronic migraines, Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension, thyroid issues, diabetes, and multiple sclerosis.

I had a break-up in the middle of it all. It came unexpectedly and left me confused, heartbroken, angry, and alone.

What was God doing? Where was He in all of this?? This was *not* how my 30th year on earth was supposed to go.

So, I ran away. One of my best friends from college knew she would be traveling for an extended period of time and, knowing what I’d been through and how much time away would help, graciously offered up her gorgeous one-bedroom apartment in San Francisco for me to to use. This was perfect – my company has an office in SF so I could go for an extended period and work, with the benefit of having a home where I could still cook, do laundry, and ultimately rest far away from the problems I would leave behind in Boston. I planned on giving myself a ‘full break’ – no boyfriend to think about, no doctor visits, none of my infamous vacation spreadsheets planned down to the 30-minute increments, and…no God. I wasn’t going to deal with Him on this trip – this was for ME. He had abandoned me at my lowest – I kept praying for peace in my soul, healing in my body, mending of my heart and He was doing none of it. If He wasn’t going to talk to me, I wasn’t going to talk to Him.

(Wo)man plans and God laughs.

That first day in town, a Friday, I cried. I was lonely. I was scared to be away from my doctors (even though I was told it was ok to go). I missed my routine and my room and my friends. And so even though I fully planned on sleeping in all weekend and lounging around, that Sunday God had other plans. He woke me up bright and early and told me to go to church. I googled a few and found one that looked similar to my home church in Boston. I got ready, grabbed a bus, and made it just in time to hear [this sermon] on redemption. Fortuitously (or was it divinely?) there was an ‘Eat Up’ (get it?) for newcomers to grab lunch with church members right after service and I decided to go…little did I know I would meet several interesting people, 2 of which significantly impacted my life for the better throughout the remainder of my trip.

“A” became a fast friend and was always up for an adventure. He took me to see all of the best sites in the city – the highest views, the oldest bridges, the prettiest cityscapes. On our adventures we talked about hard things, namely our respective recent breakups. I shared with him my health struggles and my doubt in God’s goodness that accompanied them. “A” shared a piece of advice he’d heard from a pastor – that many of us expect God to be a ‘helicopter God’: a God who comes flying in to extract us from the surrounding perils and hardships. In actuality, the Bible never talks about a God who hovers over us promising to remove us from tough situations, but instead is an anchor and a foundation – the thing that keeps us grounded in the midst of a storm. This may seem like a small or obvious understanding of God, but for me in that moment, it was a reminder I needed to hear.

“L” and I didn’t hang out as often as “A” and I did, but when we did meet up for lunch, she also shared about her recent break-up (gosh, is it something in the water? First Anna and Chris, then Channing and Jenna, and now us too??). “L” also brought up a new podcast, Dateology, she was listening to that was hosted by 2 people from the church I was attending in SF. I started listening to it when I got back to Boston and it has been such a refreshing take on dating as a Christian in a metropolitan area in 2018.

Fast forward to today. Last night I said something to someone about my ex and I shouldn’t have. I woke up today feeling regret, shame, and anger at myself for giving into pettiness. The song ‘Proud’ came on my playlist on my drive to church and it was everything I could do to keep from crying and ruining my makeup – the lyrics perfectly summed up what I wanted to say to God. I got to church and I just know today’s sermon was written specifically for me – it was on Psalm 73 and talked about – you guessed it – doubt.

A few hours after church my ex reached out to me because of the thing I’d said yesterday and my stomach just sank – here it was, my hurt and anger and pettiness on display for the one person I wished to never see that side of me. He asked if he could call. I said yes.

We talked for nearly 3 hours – the conversation I’d been wishing for for months. It was hard to have the muck and mire of my soul on display, to know I had sinned against the last person on earth I wanted to talk to.

But you know what? It was amazing. We both got to share what had been on our hearts – offenses, misunderstandings, wrongs, and pain – and to extend grace and forgiveness to one another. We got to laugh together. And at the end, we got to pray together. As hard as it was to reopen what I thought was a mostly-healed wound, it was one of the most redemptive relational conversations I’ve ever had.

As I was meal prepping this evening I was listening to Dateology, specifically the episode titled ‘The Mess.’ It so perfectly summed up the conversation I had just had with my ex and I had this massive revelation – one of those ‘ah-ha’ moments only afforded by distance and time: look at all God had orchestrated. Just look at how everything from the past several weeks culminated into perfect alignment today. This mundane, run-of-the-mill Sunday, which started off so full of shame and guilt and ickiness unfolded into this brilliant sequence of puzzle pieces dropping into place. If we hadn’t broken up, I never would have gone to San Francisco. If I hadn’t been so lonely, I wouldn’t have sought out church and met the people that I did. I would never have gotten the perspective on my relationship that I did – that it wasn’t a failure, but a ‘successful dating relationship’ (as my mentor so lovingly calls it) that didn’t end in marriage and that that was a good thing. I wouldn’t have learned about Dateology and heard messy truths delivered by insightful strangers and heard today’s episode which so, SO perfectly aligned with the conversation I had just had with my ex. I also got to hear a song and a sermon that spoke to the exact needs of my heart and share both of them with you (the sermons usually take a few days to get posted, so it’s a such a blessing I get to link to it right now!).

Today was a day I want to remember, so I’m writing it down. If you’ve made it this far, thank you for sticking with me on this winding road. While I can reflect on it and see the beauty and wonder and glory that went into crafting this day, it’s still hard. I’m still sad, I still have questions, I still house doubts. It’s amazing to me that all of these things – these truths, these events, these feelings – can all coexist. I still have questions and I still have things to figure out, but I can see God working for my good even in the moments of decidedly-not-good.

Psalm 73: 28 – But as for me, it is good to be near God.
    I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge;
    I will tell of all your deeds.

Thank you for letting me share some of God’s deeds in my life. Have you ever walked through a time like this? I’d love to grab a coffee and talk about it.


Dating is Awkward

It’s been a hot minute, hasn’t it? Just when I think life can’t get any busier…it does. So here we are, 6 months since my last post and a lot has changed. The ‘highlights’ include moving to a new apartment, my job moving locations, turning 30, and starting to date again [see title, above].

If you read my post from April, you may have noticed that I mentioned a relationship not working out that I really hoped would. Fast forward a few months and we’re dating again…but this isn’t the post you may be expecting.

Dating is weird, y’all. I feel like a lot of people talk about how much fun it is and how exciting it can be and while my relationship is those things (for the most part), it’s also awkward. And stressful. It’s full of ups and downs. Our story so far has not been ‘easy’ or traditional – we’ve struggled through hard conversations, through differences, through being on and being off and being back on again, through tough questions and even tougher answers…and you may be wondering why we’re back at it again.

The answer is messy and unresolved. My significant other and I haven’t reached the next chapter of our journey of either parting ways or deciding that this is the forever choice we want to make, so it’s harder to give you a nice-pretty-tied-up-in-a-bow answer for why we’re dating again. In a world full of highlight reels, smiling photos, and 140-character updates I haven’t found a lot of transparency in the hurdles couples face during the dating process, especially when dating as a Christian. We’re told that this is one of the most important decisions of our lives and we should take our time, but you should also date intentionally and work towards the goal of marriage (at what feels like a rapid pace). We’re told to set really clear boundaries (physical, emotional, and spiritual) but no one gives you practical advice on what those boundaries should be, how to have a conversation about them, or how to keep them. We’re encouraged to invite community into our relationship, but not told how to welcome feedback and insight from our friends and mentors. But how do you handle the tension of the not knowing and the ‘still-figuring-it-out’? As someone who has a very strong aversion to leaving things unresolved for any amount of time, I’ve struggled with how to deal with not being able to have the answers *right now.* Of having to take time to wait on my partner to think and pray about things, or for me to think and pray about things, or for us to see how things develop over time.

All of this to say: we’re working on figuring it out, one day at a time. I really like this person. Like reeeeeeeeeeeally like him. There are sooooooo many happy, fun, and exciting things that make me hopeful for the future. But then there are also sad, stressful, and disappointing moments that make me question if we are good for each other. I may experience the joyful moment that is sharing the bliss that is frozen custard for the first time, but I may also hear the same joke for the upteenth time and wonder to myself ‘can I really handle hearing this same joke for the rest of my life and not want to smother him with a pillow?’ For the majority of our relationship, I experience excitement and joy over this person, but I also have times questions and doubts. Is it ok for me to feel this way? Is this normal? How do I handle these thoughts and emotions?

If I’m being honest, I still don’t know. I’m lucky enough to be dating someone who is willing to let me be completely open with what’s running through my head and talking through things or affirming that he, too, is facing the same questions. He is so kind and loving and is thinking not only about if this relationship is good for him, but also if it’s something that’s for my good too, which I’ve never experienced before. I’ve been talking with a couple of trusted friends for accountability and guidance. I’ve been praying for God to reveal His plans for us – if it’s to end things, let that answer come quickly, and if it’s to keep going, make that abundantly clear. I’ve also been praying for a lot of grace and guidance on how to navigate the tricky world that is Christian dating in 2017.

I’m afraid I don’t have a great ‘lesson learned’ or pithy ending. It didn’t really occur to me to actually write about this until I was talking with a friend earlier today, lamenting over the challenges of dating and how I don’t really know of people facing the same issues, and she encouraged me to blog about it and share my experience with others (in the hopes that if there’s anybody else out there facing similar things, you’d know you have a friend in me). I’m working on taking one day at a time and reminding myself that I don’t have to know all the answers right this moment, I don’t have to have the 5-year-plan laid out today, and it’s ok to sit in the tension of the unknown. And, I think, the biggest takeaway for right now is that this relationship can still be good regardless of the outcome. Because we’re both actively working to date each other well, to keep God at the center of our relationship, and to help each other grow in our walks with Him, no matter how things end up, it will still be a successful relationship. I can only continue to look to God in all of the moments (those of happiness, of sadness, of doubt, and of hopefulness and excitement for the future) and persevere in seeking His will.

My questions to you, reader, are these: have you experienced those moments of uncertainty and if so, how did you handle them? How do handle moments of tension and things being unresolved and how long is it ok for them to last? I think it would be even more helpful to hear the answers to those questions from people across the dating spectrum – single, dating, engaged, married…in a time where we want to show the best parts/happiest moments of our lives, how do you practically work through the hard parts? I’d welcome any comments, stories, or feedback – thank you for ‘listening.’ 🙂

Life….is hard

I’ve had a challenging past few weeks. Past few months, actually…but crap really hit the proverbial fan a couple of weeks ago, and it’s been pretty tough for me to get out of my ‘funk’ and trust God and the plan He has for me.

I’ve been in a ‘rut’ for awhile. It’s mainly been a spiritual one – feeling like I haven’t grown in my faith, like I don’t know God any better than I did a year ago, and that I’m not hearing Him or trusting in Him. I feel like I must be doing something ‘wrong’ – am I praying enough? am I singing the right worship songs? do I need to do more than one devotional in the morning? am I reading my Bible enough? am I listening for Him the right way? In my mind, to have been in this ‘plateau’ for so long means that I must be missing something. And it’s not even just a general plateau of ‘hey, life’s alright, I’m just gonna keep on keepin’ on’ – it’s been a plateau of ‘meh,’ of disappointment, of frustration, of apathy…a plateau where I keep asking myself, ‘why am I living life this way? why do I believe what I believe? do I actually trust God? do I have enough faith?’

The past few weeks haven’t really helped my overall frame of mind. I ended a relationship that I really, really wanted to work. My lease is up at the end of June and my roommate is moving away so I need to find an apartment that’s in my budget, hopefully with Christians, and with a reasonable commute to work….by June 30th. To top it all off, I got into a car accident while on what was supposed to be a money-saving ‘staycation’ and learned the hard way that I don’t have the right insurance coverage and will be paying for thousands of dollars in car repairs out-of-pocket.

It’s hard to trust God and His goodness right now. I fully recognize that I’ve never 100% trusted that He’s got my back or that He can work things out for my good no matter what the situation. As a control freak and someone who feels like I’m responsible for digging myself out of the messes I’ve made, I can’t really comprehend a God who’s willing to love me and help me when I’m the one who’s continually screwing up over and over again. I ask myself, ‘why would God want to help get me out of this financial mess when I haven’t been prudent with my money?’ or ‘how can God possibly work out my housing situation to find me good roommates, a nice apartment, an easy commute to work, and in my reduced budget (now that I’m paying so much for car repairs)?’ or ‘I have too much to learn or there are too many ways I have to grow before God thinks I’m ready for a husband…I’m never going to get there or be good enough for that kind of relationship.’

In my ‘logic-brain’ I know what the Bible says about God’s character and what He wants for His children. I know of His capacity to do all things. But it doesn’t really feel like those things are true right now. After admitting I didn’t read my Bible as much as I should, a wise friend told me: ‘Em, you can’t really trust and proclaim something you don’t know.’ This is where something finally clicked for me as to why I’ve probably been in this rut for so long – I’ve been spinning my wheels trying to *do* all the things you’re ‘supposed’ to do to be a ‘good Christian’ (serving on a church team, leading a community group, discipling someone, being discipled, volunteering my time, tithing, etc. etc.), but I’ve never actually done the thing that’s most important – seeking God and learning more about Him through reading His word and simply praying and listening.

It’s still really hard for me to not let my fears, stresses, and anxieties run wild…to not sit here and obsess about all the money that I owe or the apartment I have to find or the car I have to pay to fix and how crushing it all feels. But I’m trying my best to work on reading the Word and just being still. My favorite Scripture right now is Psalm 46 (verses 1, 2, 5, and 6 are my favorites):

1God is our refuge and strength,
a very present help in trouble.
2Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way,
though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea,
3though its waters roar and foam,
though the mountains tremble at its swelling. Selah

4There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy habitation of the Most High.
5God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved;
God will help her when morning dawns.
6The nations rage, the kingdoms totter;
he utters his voice, the earth melts.
7The LORD of hosts is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress. Selah

8Come, behold the works of the LORD,
how he has brought desolations on the earth.
9He makes wars cease to the end of the earth;
he breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
he burns the chariots with fire.
10“Be still, and know that I am God.
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth!”
11The LORD of hosts is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress. Selah

Has anyone else been in this place? What Scripture helped you?

Thanks for listening, friends.



Can I just say…I don’t even know where to begin. How to start the delicate dance of talking about the sensitive topics of today without sounding ignorant, misrepresenting my faith, or alienating a fellow Image-Bearer (aka another human)…But I recognize that the whole point of blogging is to share your thoughts, and they aren’t always going to make everyone happy (ground-breaking revelation, I know). I also don’t want to run the risk of becoming complacent because I typed a few words that reached a few hundred people and call that ‘engagement.’

So…I’m just going to be honest as I try to wrestle through the twists and turns of my thoughts.

I didn’t march this week. I’ve been so scared to say that out loud for fear of being judged as ‘unprogressive’ (whatever that may mean) or uncompassionate or anti-feminist. Quite honestly, up until a few minutes ago, I didn’t really see the point of them. My mild agoraphobia aside, I’ve felt apathetic towards the marches that have happened this past week. Do they accomplish anything? Can change actually be made from the gathering of thousands of people with their signs and posters? My head says ‘yes’ – we have historical proof of it (hello there, Dr. King), but my heart still isn’t sure.

But then, through a conversation I had with my friend Andrea (aka Dre aka D-Swizzle aka my spirit animal) this evening, I started to see that attending a march can matter, regardless of the outcome. She said ‘I just have to think that if I were in a position where Trump’s laws were oppressing and belittling me as a human being, seeing that thousands of people showed up on my behalf would be a pretty big deal. So while it won’t change the whole world in itself, it can empower and inspire enough people to do something in response to it.’

That’s huge. It makes it ‘click’ for me now. I’ve had a hard time connecting with the enormity of the things going on in the world today and how I – one, small, insignificant person – can take action in a way that points people to Christ. I think tonight I took a step toward understanding how to do that better.

I’ll admit, this isn’t my most eloquent post. There are still dozens of other thoughts swirling in my head that I wanted to include, but I’m trying not to go down the rabbit hole. I welcome any thoughts, musings, or suggestions of how you think I could show my support through action.



An Open Letter

An Open Letter About My Ugly Heart.

I snapped today. I snapped last week, too. And days before that. I feel like I’ve been constantly at the end of my rope for the past year.

I always go ‘balls to the wall’ until I can’t anymore. And then I snap, I withdraw, I take ‘me time’ and veg out and do nothing for a day or a weekend.

Right now I’m struggling really, really hard with singleness. For the past decade of my life I’ve been mostly single. I’ve dated a few people, but nothing panned out, which I know is for the best. “God’s Plan.” I’ve just finished listening to a sermon series on Godly relationships – Godly dating, Godly marriage, and Godly singleness. My biggest takeaway on Godly singleness was that singleness is a gift and God gives it to us to use as a time to serve His ultimate purpose – going and making disciples. The last podcast I listened to talked about how much single people can bless others around them. How much they can be great employees and awesome aunts/uncles and whatnot. Easy for you to say, Mr. Preacher Man. You’ve been married for 12 years and have 3 kids. You haven’t had to deal with singleness since you were 19. You don’t know what it’s like to be on the edge of 30, with no promise or hope that anything will change, knowing that your life could ultimately be spent constantly serving others.

I know what you’re going to say, Married People: Marriage is hard. Marriage is nothing but dying to self and serving someone else every. single. day. Em, you obviously don’t ‘get’ marriage. Oh I know…as much as a never-married woman of almost 30 could know. But at least in marriage – a Godly marriage – that dying to self is done for someone who has pledged in covenant to do the same thing for you. There’s a comfort in knowing that in dying to yourself and serving others, you have a partner who has promised to love and cherish you til death do you part.

How do I reconcile seeing singleness as a gift and an opportunity to serve others with no promise of ever being thanked, valued, or (sometimes) served in return? I know, I know, but Em, you’re missing the point! You can’t have a servant’s heart and expect to get something in return! Exactly. EXACTLY. How do I live the next year, five years, 10 years, rest of my life seeing singleness as this awesome gift of serving God and his people without getting frustrated and burnt out? How do I keep giving of myself knowing full well I have no right to expect any sort of love or thanks or reciprocity in return?

I’ve been a Christian for awhile. Several years. I know the ‘answer.’ I know that God is the only One who can love me, value me, and desire me in the way my soul craves. But, if I’m being honest, right now He just isn’t good enough. He’s just not cutting it. I don’t trust Him. I don’t know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He’s a Good Father and wants good things for me. I don’t know that He loves me.

So what do I do? How do I seek out and press into the one thing I want nothing to do with at this moment? How do I stop wallowing in self-pity? How do I die to myself and not hold grudges against those who owe me nothing? How do I get to a place where I’m right with God?

I don’t have an inspirational answer to wrap all this up in a neat bow. I don’t know the answer. I mean, I “know” in the sense that I’ve been going to church my whole life and recite the answer I’m supposed to say in response to all of this frustration. But I don’t know. And that, dear friends, is the most open and honest this ugly heart has been in a good long while.