I’ve had a challenging past few weeks. Past few months, actually…but crap really hit the proverbial fan a couple of weeks ago, and it’s been pretty tough for me to get out of my ‘funk’ and trust God and the plan He has for me.
I’ve been in a ‘rut’ for awhile. It’s mainly been a spiritual one – feeling like I haven’t grown in my faith, like I don’t know God any better than I did a year ago, and that I’m not hearing Him or trusting in Him. I feel like I must be doing something ‘wrong’ – am I praying enough? am I singing the right worship songs? do I need to do more than one devotional in the morning? am I reading my Bible enough? am I listening for Him the right way? In my mind, to have been in this ‘plateau’ for so long means that I must be missing something. And it’s not even just a general plateau of ‘hey, life’s alright, I’m just gonna keep on keepin’ on’ – it’s been a plateau of ‘meh,’ of disappointment, of frustration, of apathy…a plateau where I keep asking myself, ‘why am I living life this way? why do I believe what I believe? do I actually trust God? do I have enough faith?’
The past few weeks haven’t really helped my overall frame of mind. I ended a relationship that I really, really wanted to work. My lease is up at the end of June and my roommate is moving away so I need to find an apartment that’s in my budget, hopefully with Christians, and with a reasonable commute to work….by June 30th. To top it all off, I got into a car accident while on what was supposed to be a money-saving ‘staycation’ and learned the hard way that I don’t have the right insurance coverage and will be paying for thousands of dollars in car repairs out-of-pocket.
It’s hard to trust God and His goodness right now. I fully recognize that I’ve never 100% trusted that He’s got my back or that He can work things out for my good no matter what the situation. As a control freak and someone who feels like I’m responsible for digging myself out of the messes I’ve made, I can’t really comprehend a God who’s willing to love me and help me when I’m the one who’s continually screwing up over and over again. I ask myself, ‘why would God want to help get me out of this financial mess when I haven’t been prudent with my money?’ or ‘how can God possibly work out my housing situation to find me good roommates, a nice apartment, an easy commute to work, and in my reduced budget (now that I’m paying so much for car repairs)?’ or ‘I have too much to learn or there are too many ways I have to grow before God thinks I’m ready for a husband…I’m never going to get there or be good enough for that kind of relationship.’
In my ‘logic-brain’ I know what the Bible says about God’s character and what He wants for His children. I know of His capacity to do all things. But it doesn’t really feel like those things are true right now. After admitting I didn’t read my Bible as much as I should, a wise friend told me: ‘Em, you can’t really trust and proclaim something you don’t know.’ This is where something finally clicked for me as to why I’ve probably been in this rut for so long – I’ve been spinning my wheels trying to *do* all the things you’re ‘supposed’ to do to be a ‘good Christian’ (serving on a church team, leading a community group, discipling someone, being discipled, volunteering my time, tithing, etc. etc.), but I’ve never actually done the thing that’s most important – seeking God and learning more about Him through reading His word and simply praying and listening.
It’s still really hard for me to not let my fears, stresses, and anxieties run wild…to not sit here and obsess about all the money that I owe or the apartment I have to find or the car I have to pay to fix and how crushing it all feels. But I’m trying my best to work on reading the Word and just being still. My favorite Scripture right now is Psalm 46 (verses 1, 2, 5, and 6 are my favorites):
1God is our refuge and strength,
a very present help in trouble.
2Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way,
though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea,
3though its waters roar and foam,
though the mountains tremble at its swelling. Selah
4There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy habitation of the Most High.
5God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved;
God will help her when morning dawns.
6The nations rage, the kingdoms totter;
he utters his voice, the earth melts.
7The LORD of hosts is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress. Selah
8Come, behold the works of the LORD,
how he has brought desolations on the earth.
9He makes wars cease to the end of the earth;
he breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
he burns the chariots with fire.
10“Be still, and know that I am God.
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth!”
11The LORD of hosts is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress. Selah
Has anyone else been in this place? What Scripture helped you?
Thanks for listening, friends.